As a recent widow, your energy can be so depleted in those first weeks. Your behavior may even seem bizarre or out of control. There will be inevitable feelings of cycling between merely going through the motions to tiny bursts where you think you just might be alright. You might find yourself losing your keys, forgetting your destination while driving, and a sluggish reaction time to certain moments. It may even feel like life has lost its purpose or focus.
You know what? That’s ok.
It’s more than ok – it’s completely natural and normal. For now, it’s your goal to simply take care of yourself. Regardless of the circumstances leading to your husband’s death, the initial response is usually shock and disbelief even if he had been sick for awhile. There will also be denial and numbness.
“It’s as if time stopped, Laura,” many widows share with me. This is the body’s natural way of protecting itself against emotional shock. Scientifically, it’s called cognitive disconnect.
Immediately After His Death Ask for Help
For the first few weeks, do not concern yourself with what you will do, where you will go, or what lies in the future. There will be time to cope, to understand, and to process – later. For now, simply let others help you.
First, call your closest and most trusted friend. You will need to rely on her help and judgment in the next few days to come. She wants to help you and it is okay to lean on her.
Your friend should be someone you feel comfortable enough around to be yourself during this emotionally trying time. Someone who will help with the simple tasks like taking out the garbage, to helping you create a list so you know who has called you and who has sent food or flowers.
Most importantly, this should be a person who isn’t afraid to let you feel your feelings, acknowledge your husband’s death and listen to your fears and concerns, without worry about what to say or do. She will simply be there. And that will be more than enough.
It’s okay for this friend to take a leadership role and assist with miscellaneous arrangements such as calling other friends and relatives for you.
To make this as seamless as possible, I’ve created a special guide to give to a friend or loved one to help you with specific tasks, strategies, and ways to be supportive. They may be feeling a bit lost, too, so this guide will make it easier to know what to do.
Next, call your attorney. He or she will give you legal guidance on any immediate matter of the will as it relates to funeral arrangements requested by your husband. The attorney will often keep a copy of the will on file at their office. You may not be aware of pre-made arrangements, such as burial in a national cemetery, national honors, or fraternal/masonic participation.
Because of this, do not commit to any funeral-related costs until you have reviewed his will and discussed preparations with your friend, family leader, and/or attorney. Ultimately, you need to follow your heart, mind, and gut about making funeral decisions, especially when others begin to make recommendations based on their own personal preferences. They are trying to be helpful, but it can also become confusing.
So step back and always ask yourself: What would he have wanted? What can I afford? What’s realistic? What will help me and my family the most?
After The Service Choose You First
For most widows, when I mention the idea of focusing on yourself first, it feels like a foreign concept. As women, we tend to be natural givers – always looking out for everyone else and focused on getting tasks accomplished. As a financial advisor, many widows at this point seek out my advice for for organizing their finances. That’s why they are always slightly shocked when I tell them right after the service is not the time to immediately start organizing your financial affairs.
During these first few weeks it is common to experience memory loss and impaired periods of judgment – not a good environment to be making financial or life decisions.
“Taking care of yourself truly is the primary task now,” I always respond. The numbness your mind utilized to keep your body functioning begins to wear off. People begin to go home, back to their normal lives. The “quietness” sets in and your body begins to feel the pain. This is usually when the loss becomes real.
During the mourning process it is actually healthy to feel anger, betrayal, loneliness, and frustration. What is most difficult about this “sorting-out reality” phase is the unpredictability in terms of time and content of emotions. These feelings can set-up a widow for the misuse of money very quickly – so postpone making any important decisions (like gifting or loaning money). Instead, start small, just aim your focus at sticking to a daily routine the best you can.
The only financial item to include here is to pay your daily bills: mortgage payments, utilities, car, and health insurance. Pay only bills in joint name or your name that are due immediately so as not to incur late payment fees. Set aside bills that are in his name only (this includes medical bills). You will deal with these later. That’s it. Everything else can wait a few weeks. You have permission to take a financial timeout.
People are often so uncomfortable with grief there can be a sense of rush to return you to “normal” or to get everything taken care financially before they go home. Don’t do this, let it all wait.
Get outside and try to breathe fresh air. Take walks with family members, as well as by yourself. Scream if you need to! Let it out. Cry. Share stories and memories. Use his name. Try to eat a healthy diet. And most importantly, try to get some sleep and rest when you can.
Remember there is no “right” way to feel. The best thing you can do now is acknowledge your feelings about your loss and lean on the people closest to you. Afterwards, we will get to taking those financial baby-steps. There is no hurry. I promise.
Wishing you ease, grace, and financial success.
~Laura
Any opinions are those of Laura L. Amendola and not necessarily those of RJFS or Raymond James.